From Manny's to....Manny's.

I learned something interesting today at a class I went to tonight. The Rabbi said that in this world everything has an opposing force in order to maintain an equilibrium. Anything that has great capacity for holiness also has great capacity for impurity. The easiest example to illuminate this idea is human sexuality. Judaism teaches that sexual relations between a man and his wife is beautiful, necessary, it is encouraged, and it is said that the Divine Presence enters the home at the moment of intercourse. (In school we've had several classes on sexuality recently and I could delve deep into Jewish thought and practice pertaining to sexuality, but I would prefer not.) In secular society however, sex is cheap, it is everywhere, it has little or no value and is probably as far away from "holy" as possible.

This experience in Israel has forced me to take a look in the mirror to try and understand who I am and what and who I am not. The person I see in the mirror is smart, nice, friendly, (sometimes) funny, analytical, yearning for meaning and depth, and working on being compassionate and fair judge unto others and to herself. I've accepted, more than ever before, that I have many and great gifts. I see the way that my many gifts and talents enable me to become a learned and kind Jew. The same traits that help facilitate this spiritual and emotional growth and improvement in my interpersonal relationships are also the same traits that allowed me to "excel" in our cheap, sex-driven culture and to justify these behaviors by falling prey to the false pretenses of the culture and the attitudes and behaviors that it fosters.

I bought my first siddur today from a store in Mea Shearim (the most religious of the religious communities in Jerusalem) called Manny's. Manny's boasts a sign that says "The Biggest Book Store in Jerusalem!". It has two floors of Jewish books and siddurim of every kind -- Ashkenaz, Sefard, with English, without English, inter-linear translation, non-inter-linear translation, black, white, tan, brown, pink, purple, blue, green, big, small, medium, pocket-sized, text-book sized, iPhone sized -- you name it. I felt like Harry Potter in the store -- wand shopping at Ollivanders, looking for just the right tool to facilitate his own personal magic (or in my case my emuna). It was really important for me to find a siddur that I loved, that way I would enjoy learning from it and learning to pray from it. The siddur I bought is beautiful. It is medium sized, sort of light pink irridescent with little gold "stones" on it and I got my hebrew name put in the front in gold. It looks like something from Sleeping Beauty or one of the other princess movies.

Today's experience shopping in Manny's is quite an indication of how far I've grown in the past years and especially since coming to Israel. It reflects the way I am choosing to utilize my gifts and traits in order to make the world a holier place -- rather than a more promiscuous and cheap place. About four years ago at this time I was getting stoked for the exploits to be had in Rocky Point, Mexico at various bars of course including Manny's Beach Club. I have many memories from Manny's. All of them start somewhere along the lines of "I was totally wasted" and/or "I hooked up with the hottest guy"... etc.

Today's siddur shopping is symbolic of the 180 degree shift in focus and priorities in my life that has come to be the most integral and important part of who I am. My focus is no longer "living for today...or for tonight...or trying to do what 18 year olds should do (in a sexular society)" but it is rather, how can I be kinder and more giving, how can I utilize my brain for something for more than sloshing around in a bath of vodka and rum, and in what ways can I be proud of myself and my physicality other than by tallying how many men I am able to draw the attention of in one night.

As my journey continues along the spectrum from one Manny's to the other I am proud of where I have come from (both emotionally and locationally), and proud of the choices that I've made in the past and the things that I am choosing for myself now. Each past experience has been crucial to leading me to where I am exactly right now -- and even if for many years I was supremely concerned with the "here and the now" and the "him and the later" -- I am still and forever hope to remain so grateful for each and every moment. I am in such a good place and it is so EASY for me to see the beauty in Judaism and in many of the Jewish laws and precautions BECAUSE of my past choices. Many people struggle at the crux of the secular and religious world -- but my path is clear to me. I am remaining true to myself and true to you, my friend, retiring detrimental behaviors and redefining happiness, as I continually exchange one Manny's for the other.