From Manny's to....Manny's.

I learned something interesting today at a class I went to tonight. The Rabbi said that in this world everything has an opposing force in order to maintain an equilibrium. Anything that has great capacity for holiness also has great capacity for impurity. The easiest example to illuminate this idea is human sexuality. Judaism teaches that sexual relations between a man and his wife is beautiful, necessary, it is encouraged, and it is said that the Divine Presence enters the home at the moment of intercourse. (In school we've had several classes on sexuality recently and I could delve deep into Jewish thought and practice pertaining to sexuality, but I would prefer not.) In secular society however, sex is cheap, it is everywhere, it has little or no value and is probably as far away from "holy" as possible.

This experience in Israel has forced me to take a look in the mirror to try and understand who I am and what and who I am not. The person I see in the mirror is smart, nice, friendly, (sometimes) funny, analytical, yearning for meaning and depth, and working on being compassionate and fair judge unto others and to herself. I've accepted, more than ever before, that I have many and great gifts. I see the way that my many gifts and talents enable me to become a learned and kind Jew. The same traits that help facilitate this spiritual and emotional growth and improvement in my interpersonal relationships are also the same traits that allowed me to "excel" in our cheap, sex-driven culture and to justify these behaviors by falling prey to the false pretenses of the culture and the attitudes and behaviors that it fosters.

I bought my first siddur today from a store in Mea Shearim (the most religious of the religious communities in Jerusalem) called Manny's. Manny's boasts a sign that says "The Biggest Book Store in Jerusalem!". It has two floors of Jewish books and siddurim of every kind -- Ashkenaz, Sefard, with English, without English, inter-linear translation, non-inter-linear translation, black, white, tan, brown, pink, purple, blue, green, big, small, medium, pocket-sized, text-book sized, iPhone sized -- you name it. I felt like Harry Potter in the store -- wand shopping at Ollivanders, looking for just the right tool to facilitate his own personal magic (or in my case my emuna). It was really important for me to find a siddur that I loved, that way I would enjoy learning from it and learning to pray from it. The siddur I bought is beautiful. It is medium sized, sort of light pink irridescent with little gold "stones" on it and I got my hebrew name put in the front in gold. It looks like something from Sleeping Beauty or one of the other princess movies.

Today's experience shopping in Manny's is quite an indication of how far I've grown in the past years and especially since coming to Israel. It reflects the way I am choosing to utilize my gifts and traits in order to make the world a holier place -- rather than a more promiscuous and cheap place. About four years ago at this time I was getting stoked for the exploits to be had in Rocky Point, Mexico at various bars of course including Manny's Beach Club. I have many memories from Manny's. All of them start somewhere along the lines of "I was totally wasted" and/or "I hooked up with the hottest guy"... etc.

Today's siddur shopping is symbolic of the 180 degree shift in focus and priorities in my life that has come to be the most integral and important part of who I am. My focus is no longer "living for today...or for tonight...or trying to do what 18 year olds should do (in a sexular society)" but it is rather, how can I be kinder and more giving, how can I utilize my brain for something for more than sloshing around in a bath of vodka and rum, and in what ways can I be proud of myself and my physicality other than by tallying how many men I am able to draw the attention of in one night.

As my journey continues along the spectrum from one Manny's to the other I am proud of where I have come from (both emotionally and locationally), and proud of the choices that I've made in the past and the things that I am choosing for myself now. Each past experience has been crucial to leading me to where I am exactly right now -- and even if for many years I was supremely concerned with the "here and the now" and the "him and the later" -- I am still and forever hope to remain so grateful for each and every moment. I am in such a good place and it is so EASY for me to see the beauty in Judaism and in many of the Jewish laws and precautions BECAUSE of my past choices. Many people struggle at the crux of the secular and religious world -- but my path is clear to me. I am remaining true to myself and true to you, my friend, retiring detrimental behaviors and redefining happiness, as I continually exchange one Manny's for the other.

Stove Cookie, Giving, Loving, Etcetera.

So sort of as I expected, I have been horrible at updating my blog. I've been in Israel for just over five weeks at this point and I am so happy here.

This experience here in Seminary should not be confused with my previous experiences abroad. This trip is unlike my studies abroad in Barcelona and Paris. This is not regular school and the purpose of this trip is not to become more worldly and to temporarily assimilate with the Israeli's in hopes of refining the more Israeli parts of my personality.

This trip is all about my personal growth and really doing hard work to improve myself and my being in all aspects. Though in seminary we learn Torah principles and Jewish law, the goal is to critically and most fundamentally explore one's essence in order to fully fulfill one's potential and become the ultimate version of one's self.

In the time that I've been here I've already started the grueling work that is the process of attempting to fully know one's self in order to replace old habits with new intentions rooted in giving to others, judging other's favorably, being kind, patient, inquisitive, respectful, modest, humble, honest, trustworthy, reliable, accountable, slow to anger, etcetera. Every day that I am here feels completely exhausting yet entirely energizing, I feel emotionally drained and defeated, yet so inspired and filled to the brim with positive energy that I am bursting with joy and longing to cry to release some of this overwhelming happiness and contentment. Everyday I feel like I've been hit with a bus from trying to deal with everyday life here and trying to reconcile the new person that I am becoming and adjusting to the ramifications of the decisions that I am making. Every time I make a decision I am totally motivated by wanting to be a better me, but the aftermath of making decisions hits me like a shock. I am sorting out the past, trying to live in the present, and am driven by what the future has to offer. I spend all day learning in class about my interpersonal relationships, my relationship with G-d and prayer, and the relationships between man and man from centuries past and then after class I live it. I live my new knowledge, my new decisions, and each moment is a learning process. Every week is beyond insane. I have yet to establish any sense of normalcy. The consequences of this are manifesting itself in totally ridiculous ways but at the same time I feel so complete and so whole and so happy, more so than ever in my life. This past year of my life has been ridiculous and I cannot help but laugh when I think about the insanity that has been this year. A year ago I was here in Israel. In-between I graduated from college, wrote an honors thesis, worked at the attorney general's office, said goodbye to my best friend, and then all of my friends, moved to prescott, moved back, moved 4 more times, bounced around the east coast, fell in love with yoga, had [some more] meaningless relationships/relations, retook the lsat, applied to law school, moved to israel after putting it off for three months and here i am working on myself really hard, and discovering that life is really beautiful and really sweet. and i think i am not allergic to wheat anymore. the things i have begun to say, that just flow naturally from my soul and lips are far ahead of my intellect and i am shocked by the words and ideas that i am communicating. suddenly i find myself talking like the observant "other" and it is more "me" than any person that ive ever been before.

i used to cry during savasana during yoga because i was so overwhelmed by the cathartic experience that is yoga, and the recognition of so much beauty and goodness in the world. i feel this, this awareness everyday here. i saw the most amazing sunset tonight as the sun went down to end shabbat. the entire sky was lit up pink and at the point where the sun was hidden behind clouds the sky was brighter than highlighter orange and neon pink. the sight was breathtaking and so emotional and beautiful.

i am focusing my efforts, (sort of unconciously) on giving more and loving others by giving to them and fully understanding what it means to be "tznius" a.k.a. modest. (modest is not really the all-encompassing word for this meaning, but it works) there are two very big ideas that i want to express here so i am going to break them down separately. i feel more connected to the latter so that i will address first.

i read a book that totally revolutionized my perspective on physical/pre-marital relationships. it is called a return to modesty by wendy shalit. she was a secular jew at age 23 when she published the book. long story short i am more interested in creating a foundation for a beautiful family one day in the future than i am interacting with boys in a romantic/sexual way. i am over stove-cookie [secular sex is like eating stove cookie, you think you want it, but you are just settling and will never-ever compare to the real thing, like an oven-baked cookie] relationships and in the future am looking for something more meaningful. Boys-- i am not interested in (touching) you at present time and/or in the future. And girls--i want to work on our friendships because your companionship is so true and genuine and without ulterior motive and i want purity and authenticity of that kind in my life when i return from this experience and throughout and for ever and ever.

And on giving.

Giving to others, constantly, and without much discrimination is really, really hard. for some it comes naturally, for me when i give it is an extension of myself that i am uncomfortable with and i often feel a lack, i feel without, after i have given. many people feel "Good" and "nice". i do not usually feel this way, but regardless i am trying really, really hard. i am giving of my things and my time and my energy in ways that make me uncomfortable. i share a lot of things without problem and hestitation and i do it with joy and gladness -- my food, my space, my whatever so long as it does not create a void of sorts. two days ago someone came to spend the night in our apartment. she complained her feet were hurting and asked if she could borrow sneakers from someone. i gave her my only pair of sneakers off of my feet. i felt really good about it immediately after. i thought wow i am so excited that i can give to her, this is great, this feels good, i am so glad that i had the opportunity to help someone else. as soon as she left all i could (and still) *in between the time writing this and re-reading she returned them -- G-d has a funny sense of humor* can think about is how i cant go running, how i cant wear my shoes to go walking or to school tomorrow, and i am so focused on this void. i was so upset afterward and so overwhelmed because i cleaned my entire apartment for shabbos and then started to cook for shabbos and i felt like i was doing so much and challenging and thereby overextending myself in new ways by doing these things. according to sadie [btw, I HAVE A NEW FRIEND!], this feeling of being overwhelmed are are the growing pains of this experience. it is not easy and it is very hard work to change so quickly and refocus myself on these efforts. it is so hard and i want my sneakers back so much, but it is so worth it. every single minute. i feel like i am growing so much and becoming such a better person. i am surrounded by such BEAUTIFUL, GIVING, LOVING, SELF-AWARE people that are so in tune with the workings of the universe that i am uplifted just by being in their presence. i feel like the things i am experiencing and feeling are needing to be expressed more specifically with a discussion of how G-d fits into my life and how I relate to G-d and the way in which this has impacted me, but I feel awkward because I am not sure who will read this and I do not want to appear like some crazy, gone off the deep-end, evangelical type person. I think there is a deep misunderstanding in secular society of what Judaism is and especially who and what and the type and quality of persons that is/are the observant "Orthodox" Jews. I do not feel comfortable fully expressing myself to others until this discrepancy is resolved and I am not sure how to resolve it. It is my sincere hope that those of you reading this, especially my Arizona friends, will continue to love and respect me no matter how "weird" my decisions may seem and how great the departure from my previous self may seem. These changes that I am undergoing are deep and serious, but are only for my betterment and anything superficial and external that may seem new or weird is only that -- external.

To those of you that are my AZ friends, regardless of the changes that I make in my life I want it to be known that I will always respect who you are and what is important to you. Anything beside this would be contradictory to the fundamental strides that I am making toward self-betterment, my relationships in general, and my relationships with you.

I love you.

Nicole

The Hitchhiking and Falafel Torah Way of Life

As a child growing up in the U.S. adults stress the importance of not talking to strangers. We are taught the potential consequences of doing so and are often reminded of Stranger Danger. Parents warn child to "never get in a car with strangers, never talk to strangers, and obviously never take candy from strangers". We are brought up in a world full of fear and danger that is advertised in all sorts of media outlets. This fear is sensationalized on the nightly news, in books, movies, and television and because it is such a central part of our media there is often a disproportionate fear of society and of the strangers that live within our communities. It is a fantastically eye-opening experience to live in a country such as Israel. Israel is widely regarded as one of the most dangerous places on the planet and perhaps because of the very real political conflict, Israelis are much less concerned with many of the superficial things and ridiculous fears that we are distracted by in America.

In my brief time here thus far (just over two weeks) my experiences have led me to rethink many of the norms that I know to be true. A few examples of this include reconsidering the notion of Stranger Danger and on a separate note trying to come to terms with the fact that American Seminary girls are the "cleaning people" of Israel. As a college graduate my earning potential in this country is somewhere around 5 dollars an hour -- to scrub floors. I am amazed by the humility that the girls that I know exemplify by ignoring their ego in order to earn some money.

I just spent a beautiful and majorly normal and relaxing Shabbat in Neve Daniel, in the settlements outside of Jerusalem. The travel to and from Neve Daniel was the most shocking experience that I have had since arriving in Israel. First of all I got on the wrong bus on the way to Neve Daniel, and instead I was headed for Efrat. Some man alerted the bus driver that I had gotten on the wrong bus and the bus driver (of the bulletproof charter bus) assured me that he would tell me when to get off so that I would not be too far away from my destination. He ended up pulling over on the side of the road, and dropping me off in the middle of nowhere on a road that looks shockingly similar to the road to Rocky Point. I thought maybe he was confused, since I was the only one disembarking the bus -- but he wasn't and so I got off.

After Shabbat ended Mordecai drove to shul with his daughters to go learn for an hour. He said I could come with him now and that I would find someone to drive me back to Jerusalem. I figured that meant that I was going with them to shul and that we would ask around. Instead, he dropped me off on the side of the road, near the exit of their community. He said that I would just hitchhike back to Jerusalem. I didn't understand. Hitchhike? Hitchhiking goes against everything I ever learned growing up about safety and general behavior. He said that he hitchhikes every morning to work in Jerusalem. It is normal here. It is very strange that in Israel, one of the most "dangerous" and "unsafe" countries, one of the most "dangerous" and "unsafe" practices is completely normal. In the U.S. as a young woman traveling alone hitchhiking is a sure way to get raped and murdered by some creeper. Apparently not here.

So, I stood on the side of the road along with four Israelis and one Australian. As it was only the Australian's second time hitchhiking, he understood my apprehension for breaking the cardinal rule of Stranger Danger -- never get in a car with someone you do not know. He instructed me on the etiquette of flagging down a stranger. It is as easy as it looks -- stick out your hand and yell "Yerushalayim" and either get in the car or not. The Israelis and the Australian eventually got into cars and I waited to feel out the situation. I finally stuck my hand out as a car drove past. The driver nodded yes and I jumped into the front seat of his Subaru. He was on a fancy phone and had a siren on the dashboard. Frantic thoughts entered my mind at this point, especially as the fancy phone rang and I heard him speaking a mixture of Russian and Hebrew.

Is he in the KGB? Is he a Nazi? Is he Arab? Is he going to rape me? WTF am I doing. After the driver got off his fancy phone, he handed me the siren off the dashboard to throw on the floor and we started talking in English. As it turns out he in the Israeli secret service and is the personal body guard to a member of the Knesset that lives in Neve Daniel. Not an Arab. Not in the KGB. Not a Nazi. And not a rapist. He drove about 20 minutes out of his way to drop me off at the nearest (only) Coffee Bean, so I could sit and process my experience here so far.

My whole experience thus far in Israel has been sort of like this -- learning about totally counterintuitive behaviors, doing them, and (thus far) making it out alive and well. I am experiencing shockingly new environments and people and social norms and am slowly overcoming my American perspective and tendencies. This trip is very special and I am learning a lot about myself, the life I want for myself, and the person I am hoping to become (and not to become) very quickly. I am breaking down stereotypes and overcoming the conventional way I've come to know and interact with the world around me. I have a lot to learn while I am here and am very excited to spent the next several (hopefully six) months exploring this different, but beautiful path by engaging myself in the hitchhiking and falafel Torah way of life.